Daycare: Widening the World for Babies and Reclaiming the World for Parents

Many parents feel insecure when they decide, or need, to place their children in daycare, especially when they are still babies. Under the age of 2, we know and see how much babies still need their main caregivers close by. And yet, might this in fact be a very enriching experience for everyone?

We know that it can be. Quite possibly, there will be a difficult adjustment period, and the more gradually everyone can go through it, the better and healthier it will be, especially for the mother (or main caregiver) and for the baby. In general, daycares prepare to be more available to the baby during the first week. The time the baby spends at daycare increases progressively: on the first day, the baby stays for one hour with the parents; on the second day, two hours, possibly already trying out being without the attachment figure for a while; on the third day, three hours, and so on until reaching the full time that has been contracted. The daycare assesses the baby's needs, preferably together with the parents, in order to build trust.

Every child is a unique being, so the way each one behaves will also be very unique. Even so, we see that the great majority of babies feel this first week quite intensely, and crying inevitably comes, which can bring feelings of guilt to those responsible, insecurities emerge, and even doubts about the decision that was made. Calm is needed, because this is part of the process! The baby's main attachment figure, such as the mother, often feels this way because she can't bear to see her child "suffer" and is still very "stuck" to them, that is: there is still little emotional distance between the two, they still form a "mother-baby" pair. So what one feels, the other feels too. My advice to adults is: let the feeling appear, look at it, and little by little try to work it through. It is likely to be easier with someone's help in this process, since, seeing it from the outside, that person can calm you, as they see things from a more distant place and, with that, help you get through this very singular and sensitive process.

As the days go by, the baby gets used to the place and comes to feel the daycare as somewhere more familiar. The caregivers gradually become more familiar too, and the baby can feel more confident in the care received in this new space. With that, parents tend to calm down and also trust that their children are indeed being well cared for by other people.

To help with the process of building trust and becoming aware of what you are going through, I have listed below some relevant points that I notice when little ones start daycare:

1. Building trust in a world beyond the mother: the restricted world of the home, or of the parents' lap, can widen. Little by little, the baby learns that there are other trustworthy adults. This does not weaken the primary bond; in fact, a secure bond at home is what makes this opening possible. The baby can now count on other laps and other caregivers, and this is positive when the baby is already at a certain stage of development. Often, some babies choose a reference figure at daycare too, the person they will turn to first when they need something. At the beginning especially, it is common to see this behavior, and many daycares already have caregivers who can stay closer to that baby during this adjustment period, as this makes the process easier. Later, the baby will gradually widen these circles of care to include the other caregivers at the daycare and will begin to understand that all the adults there are a source of support.

2. Widening relationships with peers: Contact with other children and adults beyond the nuclear family allows for the first experiences of social life and everything it involves: waiting for a turn, negotiating toys, even if in a still very primitive way when we are talking about babies. Toy disputes, so common, are important for development, since the mediation of adults who are there and available for this allows the situation to be handled without moralism, understanding that this is part of child development. It is a being who is beginning to understand themselves, others, and the limits of these interactions.

3. Routine and predictability: Regular times for sleeping, eating, and activities help the baby organize internally. The routine that used to happen only at home will now need to be different once the baby starts daycare. This can take some time, and adjustments and adaptations can be made through communication between the parents and the daycare: what time did they wake up? Did they eat well? etc. Sometimes, more irritable behavior or crying can be handled well when we know about these basic needs. In addition, the daycare sets times for play, outings, and so on, which help the child organize themselves throughout the day and, for example, burn the energy needed for a good night's sleep.

4. A variety of stimuli and experiences: Materials, play, and spaces different from home. Daycare is also a place where little ones will find new materials such as toys, paints, paper, and various activities. In general, it is hard to have such a variety of materials and activities at home, whereas daycares offer them every day, which allows creativity to awaken and supports cognitive, sensory, and motor development in babies. We know that babies are excellent researchers: they touch everything, they want to find out how things work, to put things in their mouths, to feel and discover, and nothing is better than a good space prepared for this research!

5. Observing and following development: Attentive educators can identify developmental, communication, or behavioral issues early on. Together with the parents, the daycare is a second pair of eyes for babies and children. A specialized eye on the baby's development helps parents identify what has been learned, which helps in everyday life at home, such as the acquisition of a new gesture or word that communicates a need: asking for water, food, showing sleepiness, etc. A newly acquired taste, a food preference, a game, etc. are all valuable as the child grows. In addition, if there is an issue that deserves more attention, such as developmental delays or behavior pointing to a need for special care, it is often noticed by daycare professionals, who share their observations with the parents.

6. Room for gradual autonomy: Small everyday achievements such as eating alone, climbing up and down from places, starting to put on shoes, using the potty, and communicating their needs to different people are important accomplishments that babies and small children acquire more easily at daycare because, unlike the home environment, where the relationship is generally one-to-one, at daycare the anticipation of needs may be less frequent. In addition, learning by observation and imitation is especially facilitated in these environments where there are peers.

7. Tolerance for frustration: Of course, when thinking about babies who are not so tiny, talking about frustration can be a positive element in development. When a baby is very small, frustrating them is not healthy; on the contrary, it can cause illness. But if we are dealing with a baby who can already tolerate some "failures of the environment" (for example, a bottle or a breast that takes a little longer to arrive, etc.), this can be very valuable. Sharing the caregivers' attention with other children or activities, in appropriate doses, can strengthen this baby emotionally.

8. A positive change in the relationship with parents: Once parents can have more time for themselves and for the activities that are their responsibility, beyond caring for their children, such as housework and paid work, the time with their children expands, since they tend to be less tense and anxious about the many other demands awaiting them. We also see improvements in marriages, since both caregivers become more relaxed, knowing they can count on other caregivers and a professional space for their children, and can from there turn a little more attention to the couple. The parents' physical rest in this process counts for a lot in improving relationships, as they tend to be more emotionally present in the time with their children and with each other.

Signs we can observe during an adjustment process range from a decrease in crying to being able to eat and sleep well at daycare. Do not necessarily expect the goodbye to always be easy, with your child waving and walking calmly into the classroom. If this does not happen, it is not necessarily a sign that they are not doing well there, but rather a demonstration, for example, of the affection between you and of how hard it still is for them to separate. Always talk with those in charge at the daycare to find out how your child is doing during the day, so you can have more accurate and appropriate information about your child's adjustment. In addition, even if your child is very small, a baby of 5 or 6 months, it is also very worthwhile to have little conversations before and after leaving them at daycare. Explain, in a few words, what is going to happen and, afterwards, what happened: "you go and you come back." Express it with affection and use words, show your love when you pick them up, and enjoy the achievements you will see appearing in this growing being!

Finally, I would like to remind you that school or daycare is just one place where babies and children can have other experiences, and it can be very beneficial for them and their families. The family environment has its own defined and limited role, just like daycare, and together they provide a stronger network of care for children.